Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
