I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
