Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
