i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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