i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize