can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
