I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
