News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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