Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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