She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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