Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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