I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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