My hand turned me down
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize