I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
