Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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