Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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