My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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