dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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