I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
