At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
