listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize