You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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