First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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