I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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