My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
