it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
