Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
