Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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