It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
