Sacagawea was the original milf.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm too high and old for this...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
