that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
