you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
