i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
zippers are such a cool invention
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
