My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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