at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
