Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
