it was like his penis was on wheels.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
