Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
