I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
