i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
