just tell him i said nine months
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
