Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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