I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
