Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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