What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
