Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
