I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
