I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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