So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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