Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
