I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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