did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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