Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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