This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
