the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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