mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
