My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
