is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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