I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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