when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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