i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize