all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
