I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I enjoy the company of your penis
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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