Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
