see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Randomize
