Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
