She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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