Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
