she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
