Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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