Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
