On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
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