I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
