a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
