i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
